||[Jan. 16th, 2015|10:27 am]
JeN in WoNderLaNd
I'm going to start writing about my experiences with meditation. Has anyone had any strange experiences with it? See below for mine.
Recently I've been trying meditations from the Self-Esteem Blackboard App (by Excel At Life) on the tablet and yesterday tried Rachael Meddows' Free Meditation Hypnosis app (by Subliminal Affirmations).
Generally, I listen to meditations at bedtime, often falling asleep to them. I don't think daytime listening would go over well, unless I was alone (and providing I'd close myself in a room in an attempt to avoid distraction by my dogs and cats). Being alone in the house rarely happens.
Self-Esteem Blackboard App:
This one has several audios/meditations. The first one is a "train ride" through experiences that may have caused low self-esteem. I've listened to it once and I think you need to listen to it repeatedly and reflect on different experiences maybe without the audio at times to get the full effect. Not sure if I'll check this one out again.
One I liked was a color meditation. It helps you to associate colors with positive feelings. I'll likely listen to this one again, although I might still need some convincing from the audio not to associate yellow with negative feelings. (Why yellow? I know it's apparently associated with uneasiness. My room as a baby was yellow and I've been told how I used to wake up several times each night crying to the point where my family thought I had a health problem, yet nothing was diagnosed. I think this went on for a year. My parents joked that maybe my room was the wrong color.)
I tried a Loving Kindness meditation, but found it difficult to follow. I think it's just me though and I'm pretty sure I started falling asleep. You're supposed to come up with people to focus on in a positive way and I was having a hard time with deciding who to focus on and such.
Free Meditation Hypnosis:
I would consider trying this one again, however it seemed like the audio would stop and then continue which had an effect on my state of relaxation. I'm wondering if it did that just because it's a free meditation? I'm interested in some of Rachael Meddows' other meditations that are paid features, but if this is an issue with all the audios, then I don't think I'm interested. I fell asleep to this one, but generally liked it. It's kind of like one of those guided imagery things.
Now the weird stuff...
It seems as I start getting really relaxed/falling asleep, random (or maybe not so random) things pop into my head. During one of the Self-Esteem meditations (not the colors one), a memory of someone, C. I haven't seen or heard from in about 12 years came up. I reflected on my memories of that person and couldn't really make the connection as to why C. just came into my head. Maybe C. was somehow good for my self-esteem?
When listening to the Free Meditation Hypnosis, there was a part where you visualize yourself surrounded in a mist, the mist clears and you begin moving towards a body of water. At this part I suddenly saw sort of what I'd describe as an "evil clown"; not like super evil though, but definitely not pleasant. It almost seemed like he was blocking me from proceeding with the meditation/getting to the water. And the image I saw was not like the clown appearing on the scene, but more like a separate image away from the meditation. I decided to go on with the meditation despite feeling a somewhat disturbed and tried to shake the image for the time being. At some point shortly after thought, I had another disturbing image. This time it was seeing 2 men (I think), but only their trunk areas. Both were wearing blue jeans without shirts. One man was behind the other, pointing a gun at him. Again, feeling a kind of disturbed I continued with the meditation until I fell asleep.
This morning I Googled and read a little on "scary images while meditating", although I wasn't really scared. One idea was the these images are just a distraction. I felt the clown was definitely distracting me. I'm trying to find the significance behind why an "evil clown"... I used to find clowns creepy when I was a kid. I've also recently watched some of American Horror Story: Freak Show where there's an evil clown character, which S. seems to enjoy and I've noted this to him. So maybe it's associated with S. somehow, or just an image I find generally creepy to distract me.
I thought a bit about the gun image. At first I was wondering if it had to do with a fear of violence that I hadn't really acknowledged (mostly due to my anxieties about starting my mental health placement at my old workplace on Monday, where the potential for violence is a possibility. I also don't have a lot of experience in dealing with those situations.). But I think really, it may have been a possible visualization of another distraction- lower back pain. My lower back and S.'s lower back were sore yesterday. Mine is still sore today, and I was noticing it more at the start of the meditation and just became less conscious of it as I relaxed more. But the gun was pointed at the guy's back, so it makes sense.
Some of the discussions I came across this morning through my Google search mentioned the subconscious coming into play, or disturbances in your energy field causing such images. Some went as far to note that meditation can put you in touch with spirits or demons. Creepy, but I don't believe that's what happened at all.