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So, I learned the hard way that nursing isn't for me. I knew this was… - JeN in WoNderLaNd [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
JeN in WoNderLaNd

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[Feb. 4th, 2015|02:19 pm]
JeN in WoNderLaNd
So, I learned the hard way that nursing isn't for me. I knew this was a possibility, but I'm frustrated with how it happened. Last week on Tues, I was told by my instructor that in working on the issues I was having I needed to show "marked improvement by Friday and continued improvement from then on". Both my preceptor and instructor had both criticisms and encouraging words. I had a shift on Wed in the depot clinic giving injections and received generally good feedback. But because R. was sick with a stomach flu (that M. and I also caught afterwards), I stayed home on Thurs and Fri with him and studied. On Fri afternoon, my instructor told me that the center had made the decision to end my practicum due to the issues I was having. This was a shock. My preceptor had just told me on Tues that she thought I could do this and my instructor said she would have still given me some time to improve, but it's in the policy that the place of practicum can stop it if they feel there's safety issues. I was 7 shifts in and had 13 more to go. I can't say for sure if I would have improved enough in that time, but there should have still been the opportunity to at least try. I wasn't done trying and as my instructor mentioned, I hadn't directly jeopardized anyone's safety, but not knowing med side effects well enough is a safety issue- although I was working to improve on this.
Questions are coming up as I think about this and talk to friends and family that maybe I should not have chosen my old workplace for my practicum because I did have some issues there previously and the administrator may have something against me (when I lost my job, he tried to blacklist me from working in the regional health authority, yet invited me to re-apply to work there. Losing my job was due to temporarily losing my license due to money being owed to the College of Nurses. I had worked a few shifts without being licensed before realizing my license had been terminated. The College had sent me a letter to warn me that I would lose my license before it happened, however at the time I was undergoing med adjustments after being hospitalized and either didn't thoroughly read the letter or just did not comprehend it. So I think the administrator may have believed that I purposely worked those shifts without a license- which I did get fined for by the College. Maybe he was also holding it against me that I applied for the position while pregnant and didn't tell them? So maybe I just seem like a dishonest person. Not to mention that I told the nursing manager about my mental health issues when I was having problems staying awake on shift due to the sedation that my meds were causing at the time. Yes, I really should have taken a sick leave right after my mat leave, but I kept thinking with each adjustment that I would feel better (it ended up taking about 5 or 6 adjustments/trying different meds). Anyways, the nurse's union said that I would not be blacklisted. But I had tried to re-apply for work at the center some months after losing my job and heard absolutely nothing back. I wasn't sure how they would feel about taking me on for practicum, but since they took me on, I didn't think they had any issues with me. Maybe I was wrong.)
So now I have this nursing degree, but can't work as a nurse and don't think the potential for finding another career involving my degree is likely around here. Perhaps if we lived somewhere like the Toronto area, for example, it could be more promising. S. occasionally mentions that we should move back to Ontario and although I haven't been against it (I do miss living in Ontario), it's starting to sound like it might be a good idea. I don't feel like there's a lot of opportunity for me around here anymore. I'm trying to come up with a game plan for now though. I'm looking for work and have one place in particular in mind where I might have a chance to advance from an entry level position to something higher up. Getting ahold of the human resources person is a challenge though. I want to include my degree in my resume in hopes that it may be helpful in terms of moving up with this organization, but don't want to be overlooked because I'm over-qualified for an entry level position. So talking to this person first might be beneficial just to explain that despite having the degree, nursing is not for me. There are other jobs, but I don't feel they would be satisfying, but I'll do what I need to do to get the bills paid, but am hoping for this one.
Although all this is a major blow, I'm handling it alright. My mood fluctuates about it and it is depressing, but I'm managing as it sinks in. It kind of feels like a break-up. I've been on this path for over 10 years and it's all come down to this.
We'll see what's next.